There is only one thing your children need to learn about control.
And, it is easy to teach.
Sound too good to be true?
Here it is.
Control and Maturity are butting up against each other in the model and when we understand how they relate, things start to make sense and fall into place.
First, define control. It means controlling your own life, your decisions, actions, behavior. It goes from “0” at the bottom to` “100” at the top. You can have control anywhere from 1-100.
Most kids don't have total control of their lives, but they desire to have total control.
Second, define maturity. This can be a little more difficult depending on the age of your children. Maturity technically means how grown up you are.
Ask them how much control they had when they were a newborn. Practically none. All they could do is make a big noise and a big stink. That's it.
As they got older, they could walk, feed themselves, talk, dress themselves, control their body. Right away they are recognizing they have some control, they are not at “0” as they might think they are. You are empowering them. They are gradually increasing their control.
Third, point out the stages in the model. See how as we go from Stage 1 to Stage 3 we get more control. And Stage 3 means we are relying on ourselves to provide the control in our lives.
Stage one is self-centered, it's all about me. It is demanding, manipulative, throwing tantrums, yelling, fighting, arguing to get what you want. It is immature.
Stage 1 behavior could look like when you ask your daughter to do the dishes and she responds, “No, I'm not going to do the dishes. What do you think I am, your slave? This is so dumb, do them yourself.”
Stage 2 behavior with the same request could look like, “Again? I will do them in a minute.” (Cue the loud sigh as if they are being put out and perhaps a gigantic eye roll.”
It could involve negotiation of some type.
It is basically cooperation, but with some push back.
Stage 3 behavior looks totally different because they take the initiative. When you ask them to do the dishes, they say, “Oh, I already did that. Is there anything else you need me to do?”
Close your mouth, I know, you can't imagine it happening.
It may be helpful to define initiative with your children. Initiative is seeing what needs to be done and doing it. On your own, without being told.
Stage 1 or immature people can see the dishes need to be done, but they spend all their time avoiding, trying to get out of doing it, or refusing to cooperate.
Fourth, help your kids see it's not about age, it's about stage.
Start talking like this in your home.
Start identifying the stage of your children and give them more control/freedom depending on where they are on the model.
Your children equate control and freedom, to them it is the same. Let them know that freedom comes at a cost, their personal freedom costs personal responsibility also known as maturity.
Lastly, talk to your children about who is going to have responsibility over their lives.
If the child is not able to be in control of their responsibilities, caring for themselves, their schoolwork, their home space, chores, then the parent needs to step in and that means they lose control.
As the parent you gauge their maturity and give them privileges accordingly. It doesn't mean you stop tracking them, you just let them have more privileges and as long as they are being mature and not abusing the privilege, you let them have more. When they begin to slide back in maturity (and they will), gently tug on the privileges. They will quickly see what is happening. Don't get upset, just calmly let them know they have lost a privilege until they can show the maturity to get their work turned in on time at school.
Hopefully this makes sense to you and it will help to ease up on the disagreements about control in your family.
Parenting isn't for wimps and you are the parent your child needs. We can support you to parent maturely.
Dr. Paul
Get your own copy of the Control/Maturity Model at: drpauljenkins.com/stages