It's kind of sad actually that there are enough people looking for this that we need to address it. My job here is to illuminate some things. I want you to notice some things. I am NOT here to tell you how to think. But I do want you to notice that you are thinking and this is going to change some things for you.
Let's dig into the psychology behind that and see what we might be able to discover. This was first brought to my attention through Eckhart Tolle. He's a philosopher and an author and he wrote a book called The Power Of Now, which I really enjoyed.
In that book, he shared a time that he was going through in his own life where he was dealing with some self-hatred, which is kind of weird when you think about it.
He pointed this out.
He got to a point where he was considering taking his own life. He was suicidal and depressed. He had this thought, “I hate myself.”
Then he had another thought that saved his life.
The next thought was, “Wait a minute. Who is this I that hates ME so much? And who is this ME that I hate?”
It blew his mind and it saved his life.
This illuminates something that I think is really important here. Self-hatred. Really? Is that even metaphysically possible? I don't know. I want to call that into question though and suggest that maybe there is some stink thinking going on in our own mind.
Maybe the problem isn't that you are hateful. Maybe the problem is in your thinking. And if you would be open to that for just a minute, I think you are going to see some things that are enormously powerful.
Ask yourself, “Really? Am I two different people where one of me can hate the other?” Is it really possible to hate yourself? Just chew on that for a minute and let's get into some practical stuff.
The things I'm about to point out to you are things that I simply want you to notice. Again, I'm not telling you how to think. I just want you to see that you are thinking all the time. Until you see it as a choice, it's not. Everything that I'm about to share with you is based in choice. But it doesn't seem like a choice until you are able to see it as a choice.
Number 1, I want you to notice that you are judging yourself and your life. Just notice it. Now, judgment implies some kind of comparison. Because you can only be doing well compared to doing worse. And you can only be doing worse compared to doing better. So, here you are perpetually stuck in a place where it is what it is and it could always be better and it could always be worse.
Is that true?
I'm not even moving forward until we establish that. I want you to think about this and don't take my word for it. You run it through your own filters and see. Is it true that however things are right now for me, they could be better? Oh, that's easy to see.
Could things be worse? Yes, they could. If you don't have a good enough imagination to come up with ways, maybe we should talk because I've got a really great imagination. I can always think of ways that it could be worse, and so can you. Notice that.
Second thing that I want you to notice is that you are predicting your future, aren't you? Yeah, do you know what's coming? How are you doing next week? You don't know. You've got something to do with it for sure. Just notice that you are predicting things to come.
Notice the scale is the same in judging yourself. It could always be better and it could always be worse. You are predicting that it is going to be one of those.
It can't be exactly the same, can it? No. Because at the very least, you are going to be older. You might be more hungry, more tired. I don't know. Something is going to change. By your own evaluation, which you can't turn off, because remember you are judging yourself.
Things have to be either better or worse by your own judgment. Just notice that you are predicting one of those, and notice that you don't know what's coming.
So, that prediction that you have (even though you are sure that you are right), it's simply a prediction or a guess or a projection of what is to be.
You don't know. Notice that.
I'm not here to tell you how to think. I'm not here to insist that you predict things to be a certain way. That's not my role. I just want you to see that you're doing it. Notice it. Now that we're noticing all of these things, let's notice the third thing I wanted to call to your attention.
Number three, notice where your focus is.
In my coaching and my training, I break this down into four possible areas that can be defined by a quadrant system. It breaks down into two dimensions which are feelings and content. On the feelings end, how do I feel, how do you feel? Just use that as the distinction. How do I feel? How do other people feel?
Then on the content, about me or about you? About other people? You'll overlay those 2 dimensions and you get four quadrants.
How I feel about myself. Do I like myself? Am I good enough? Cute enough? Smart enough? That's the first area. It might be on how you feel about me, do you like me? Do you approve of me? Do you think I fit in?
It might be on how I feel about you. Do I like you? Do I approve of you?
It might be on how you feel about yourself. Are you doing okay? Do you like who you are? Where you are? Now, those are just areas of focus.
Notice that your focus is in one of those areas. I guarantee if your focus is in one of the first 2, if I'm focused on how I feel about me or how you feel about me, I'm going to feel anxiety. Some form of anxiety, there's self-consciousness or insecurity. These are ways that we can describe it. But it creates anxiety.
If my focus is on how I feel about myself or how I feel about you, the pitfall that we run into there is judgment. I mean the kind of judgment that has us criticizing ourselves or other people.
Or hating ourselves.
It tells us what quadrant we are in.
Here's the challenge: What if you were to shift your focus to that fourth quadrant? Shift your concern to how other people feel about themselves.
Play with that a little bit and see what it does. I guarantee that this is a way that we can get past some of that self-hatred.
While we are talking about focus, what if we were to look at where our temporal focus is? Or related to time. There are basically three options. Those are present, future, or past. Notice where you focus is. When we tend to focus on the past, we start to feel things like regret, or shame, or self-doubt, okay? It pulls us into, “I did this or I did that. This didn't go well and that didn't go well. Or I haven't accomplished what I thought I would accomplish.” Our focus is in the past.
What happens when we turn our focus to the future? Okay, now we are worried because we are good at predicting. Notice that you predict stuff. And when we predict that what's coming is even worse than what we've already got, how do we feel? Anxious, nervous, upset, apprehensive. Notice it.
When we come to the present just ask yourself right now in this moment, what if anything is lacking? And you'll notice if you are honest with yourself, you are good. Right now. I mean in this moment. And if you feel some resistance to that, it's because your focus is getting sucked into, “But I did this or I did that,” or “This is going to happen.”
Do you see what is happening? You get off of the present and you get sucked into either depression or anxiety.
Come to the now if you want to. I'm not here to tell you how to think I don't have that kind of authority. I just want you to notice where you are. Notice where your focus is.
Before I shared with you these four areas that I wanted you to notice, I suggested they are all based in choice. Until you see it as a choice, it's not. So, notice it first, then you might start to ask yourself, “Can I change it?”
Do I have any choice in the matter? Do I have to think the way that I've been thinking or are there some other possibilities?
I wish for you the most pleasant, happy, joyful life that you could possibly experience. So, I kind of have some biases about what kinds of thoughts might get you there a little easier.
I'm here to help you to get out of your way. If you want to have a little additional help, jump onto a call with one of our coaches. Go to drpauljenkins.com. While you're there, click on that big orange button to get a copy of my book. I'll send it to you when you pick up the shipping.
If you are ready for some coaching, go to www.drpauljenkins.com/breakthroughcall to find out what one of our certified coaches can offer you.