Hey moms, you probably never feel angry at your kids, do you? Of course you do and there is nothing wrong with you. There are ways to understand and manage the anger. Let's put this in a top ten list, it will help us put some organization around it.
Number 10 is a basic understanding of anger. What is anger and how does it work inside of the human psyche and in interactions with other people? The quick version is our brain is designed to watch out for and monitor and pick up on threat. Anything that threatens us, kicks us into fight-or-flight mode. Can you see how that relates to anger because usually with anger it's a fight mode of taking on a threat. This is not helpful when we are talking about parenting and being a mom because if you are fighting the problem gets bigger. Understand how your brain naturally responds to threat, that's the first thing on our list.
Number nine is to take care of yourself. Years ago, I learned this on an airplane. When you are getting ready to take off, the flight attendant goes through the safety routine, and you are supposed to follow along on your little laminated card. They get to a certain point in their routine and they say if we happen to lose pressure in the cabin, these attractive yellow oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling. Take that little cup, put it over your face use the rubber band to fasten it onto your head and then they always say at that point, “If you are traveling with young children or with someone who needs assistance, put your own mask on first.” Now why do they say that? Because if you are out cold in the aisle, you are just in the way, you are part of the problem and not able to help anyone at that point. In order to really help those little kids that we have a stewardship to take care of, we need to have our own mask on, so what does that mean for you? It might mean you get to take better care of yourself in a number of ways because the very best gift you can give to your children is a fully functioning mom, a fully functioning parent.
Number eight, is to take care of the team. What team? Your parenting team. You are not doing this alone even though sometimes you might really feel that you are alone, there is a team. I'm on your team. Who else is on your team and how can you take better care of your team? Your husband, your spouse, your partner, they're obviously on your team. Well, what if you don't have a husband or a spouse or a partner? Okay, well, who next is on your team? Is there some extended family? Do you have friends? Are there some people in your community and then reaching beyond that, you might have a pediatrician or a nurse that you work with, you might have people at the school, educators, people in the community that help you to raise your child. It takes a village to raise a child, you've heard that phrase before as well. Take care of that village, take care of the team.
Number seven, remember what you know about child development. This knowledge helps you to put things in a perspective that allows you to avoid some of the anger that sometimes comes when we think that things are not the way they should be. Notice that that's kind of the thought behind an angry response, right? Things are not the way they should be and it triggers that anger. Well what if things are exactly the way they should be? What if developmentally speaking, whatever your kids are doing that is driving you nuts is exactly the kinds of things the kids of their age and development and life circumstances would typically do? This is often the case. I've had so many parents in my office and they are complaining about their kids doing this and this and I'm over here thinking, hmm, sounds like kids. But it might not seem normal to a parent who doesn't have more breadth of understanding of what child development is all about so this particular item is for you to remember and maybe increase what you know about child development. What's developmentally appropriate? Talk to other moms, get on the blogs, follow the videos and see if you can track what to expect from kids. It is not just kids, I had a dad come in and he says my teenager is doing this and that and this is not my kid. I say, “You're right, it's not your kid, it's your teenager, and they are different animals.” Developmentally speaking, we have to track that, our knowledge will help us to overcome some of the anger that we feel.
Number six, practice saying to yourself, “Things are exactly as they should be.” Developmentally, that may very well be true. What is it that's got you tipped over? Usually you are saying it is not the way it should be. Well do you know? Do you have some cosmic connection to the grand plan of all things then you know for sure this is not the way it should be? No, you don't know that for sure, do you? But you're taking that position and this is causing some of the anger. What if we switch the position? Things are exactly as they should be. Wait a minute. Is that going to feel like you are lying to yourself? What if things are not the way they should be is the lie? You don't know, but you are taking a position. I'm suggesting we take a position that serves us well and puts us in a position to not experience that same anger and rage that comes up when we think that things are not the way they should be. If you believed that things are exactly as they should be, what happened to the anger? There is no room for the anger anymore because after all, things are exactly as they should be. Now a little disclaimer here, they may not be the way you want them to be, that's okay. There are things we can do to improve our situation or to change things that are not to our liking, but switching your position on whether it should be that way or not is going to affect how you feel. It changes the energy you bring to the game of creating an upgrade, so take that seriously.
Number five on our list is to enjoy the journey. I am saying this because every phase of parenting and child development can be joyful and fun and entertaining and also gut-wrenching, hard, difficult, and frustrating. The position you took in number six is going to set you up for enjoying the journey, because now you get to sit back and think things are exactly as they should be. That allows us to enjoy the stage that your child is in right now, whichever it is. Their stage won’t last, it doesn’t keep. My wife has a picture on the wall at home that has a saying on it and I can't even remember all of the wording, but something about all of the chores that I have to do today can all go away because I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep. They really don’t. My baby turned 21 this week, the week that we are recording this video. She just turned 21, she's an adult now. I know you hear this from old people like me all the time, but it honestly blows my mind that all my babies have grown up and they are now adults and some of them are raising their own babies. This is how life rolls, babies don't keep and neither do toddlers and neither do little kids who are going to school and neither do teenagers, enjoy the journey.
Number four on our countdown today is about keeping perspective. I was reading a book years ago that had a scene in the book where a mom and a dad were lying in bed talking, and this father was really frustrated. He was angry about an incident that happened the day before where the three of his boys were out in the apple orchard and they were pulling little green apples off of the tree. This is a time in the season when the apples were just starting to develop and they tried a few of them, but found they were too sour, so they just started using these apples as awesome ballistic devices to throw at each other. This was just a few trees, not a big orchard, so they totally obliterated the apple crop. You can see why dad is kind of frustrated and upset about that and he's expressing this to his wife the next morning as they are lying in bed. His wife did something that I thought was brilliant, she said, “Honey, but we're not raising apples, we're raising boys.” Now it's not that the apples aren't important, but what perspective does that bring back to the table?
Notice that some of the things that frustrate us are just things, it's just stuff and it's usually a mess or a disruption or something that kind of interferes with the flow of what we had planned as the adults who are in charge of things, right? When we back off from the mess and look at the greater perspective and you can see, oh, we're not raising apples, we're raising boys, oh I'm not keeping a clean house, I'm raising a child. That perspective can really help and help to bring the anger levels down as you remember the perspective the greater picture of what it is that we are doing.
Coming in at number three, remember who they are. Remember who they are, your kids. Who are these people who showed up in my world and caused all this disruption that makes me so mad? Who are they? You know, you might have different philosophies or perspectives on this but at the very least, these are people. Yeah, they're kids but kids are actually people, they grow up to be people like us, adults. Well that's a little weird when you think about it because somehow this little person showed up in your home in your life and who is this person? Every great person that we've read about through history, the presidents of the United States, for example, the leaders of countries and nations, the great composers, the authors, everybody started out as one of these little kids. Who are they? You don't even know who these little people in your world are going to grow up to be. Part of my point is they are already that person in a smaller, less mature form.
I had the privilege of hearing Dr. Jane Goodall speak just a few weeks ago and as she was speaking and she spoke so lovingly and in such a reverent respectful way about her mother who somehow something in Little Jane who was dragging worms in from the garden and putting them in her bed to observe them and cover them up. Did mom see a little kid making a mess? Well maybe she did but she was able to get this perspective we're talking about. She knew who Jane was before Jane ever did and she saw in young Jane a scientist, an observer, and she was able to see that and the anger is not necessary when you see that this little kid is being who they are designed to be. I'm talking here about perspective and keeping you in a place where you don't get hijacked by anger, when you remember who they are. You can approach this in a way that is going to be affirming and like with Dr. Jane Goodall, put your kids in a position to go out there and change the world and she attributes that to her angel mom, isn't that awesome?
Number two on our list is to remember your job and your job as a parent is to love them no matter what and even if. Our kids give us all kinds of opportunities to test that out and see if we as parents will do our job. What is your job? To love them. Here's where we get deceived all the time and this causes anger by the way, that's why it's in this video. We get deceived into thinking, no, my job is to make sure that they (fill in the blank). Have you been there? Have you felt that? If my job is to make sure that they keep their room clean, which by the way little kids are not very good at, we are going to get angry. Now get clear about your job. It's not to make sure that they keep their room clean, it's not to make sure that they don't make a mess, it's not to make sure that they don't disrupt our schedule, it's not to make sure that they don't bother the company that comes over, it's not to make sure that they pass their class. All of that is fine and good, although, it's not your job. Your job is to love them no matter what and even if. You stay clear about that and we are going to have a whole different experience with anger.
Now that's going to lead us to number one. I saved this one for the last you guys because this is so near and dear to my heart. Number one, remember who you are. Life beats us up sometimes and we forget about who we are. Do you remember when that precious child was delivered into your hands and into your life and how you felt? Now it can be very overwhelming but what an honor and a privilege and who are you to deserve this? That's my point. You are this child's mom and that is huge. Remember who you are. I want to acknowledge and honor you for the mother that you are. You are amazing, you are wonderful. Thank you for your work, for your sacrifice, for your blood, sweat, and tears that raise the next generation of the population of our planet. Never underestimate who you are. When we get really clear about that, anger becomes such a secondary thing. Moms, you are so crucial to the ongoing success of our planet. Thank you for who you are and what you do.
Our Parenting Power-Up is available at www.drpauljenkins.com to help you understand the stages of development. You can also join one of our 6-week parenting groups to discover ways to help deal with your child in a more positive way. Find out what is involved by scheduling a call with one of our Live On Purpose Coaches at www.drpauljenkins.com/brekthroughcall.